What to do when your child lies? Advice from a pedagogue

illustration: Adobe Firefly AI [public domain]

Lying is a natural part of development. Children between the ages of 2 and 4 may lie because they are still learning to distinguish reality from fantasy. In school-age children, lies may stem from social pressure or the desire to avoid negative consequences of their actions. Children may use this strategy due to:

• the need for protection (from punishment, parental anger, or shame)
• the need for belonging and acceptance (peer pressure, the desire to gain recognition among peers)
• the need for attention (e.g., feigned pain to get a parent’s attention)
• the need for recognition (fabricated achievements and stories to meet expectations)
• the need for fun and creativity (invented stories and situations)

Ways to Eliminate Lies

Children lie for various reasons, and understanding these reasons is key to an effective response.

– Lying in children doesn’t always stem from bad intentions – explains pedagogue Beata Rączka, an expert for the #MAMYNATORADĘ platform, run by the Ogólnopolski Operator Oświaty foundation. – It’s important for parents to approach this topic with empathy rather than strictness, which can worsen the problem. If fear causes the lying, focus on increasing the child’s sense of security.

Creating an atmosphere of trust is essential. The child must know that they can tell the truth, even if they made a mistake, and that parents are ready to help them understand the consequences of their actions. Instead of excessive punishment, it’s better to use so-called natural consequences – situations in which the child understands on their own that their behavior had specific effects. Rewarding honesty, whether in simple or more challenging situations, strengthens positive attitudes.

– The goal is to show the child that mistakes can be corrected. Everyone makes them, and they shouldn’t be a source of shame – adds Beata Rączka. – True skill and pride lie in fixing the consequences, not avoiding them or hiding behind lies. If we, as parents, support and reinforce such attitudes in our children, the results will be the best.

Staying Calm in Conversations with Your Child

It’s also important to avoid overreacting emotionally. If a child sees that their lie triggers a dramatic reaction, it may lead to further attempts at manipulation or hiding the truth. Instead, stay calm and focus on clarifying the situation to help the child develop proper habits and understand the importance of honesty.

An approach based on conversation, mutual understanding, and patience builds trust between child and parent.

– Listening to and understanding your child is the best way to build good relationships – concludes the expert from the Ogólnopolski Operator Oświaty foundation. – It fosters attitudes that will make parents proud and will benefit children throughout their lives.

How to Break Bad Habits? Let’s Fix It Together

Can the situation be fixed if we have been responding improperly to a child’s lies? It’s never too late to change your approach and take the right path. Understanding that this change may require time and patience is crucial.

Parents should demonstrate consistency, calmness, and readiness for the challenges that may arise during the process of rebuilding trust. Breaking old behavior patterns will be challenging, but with patient effort and openness to dialogue, you can repair your relationship with your child and teach them the value of honesty. This will not only reduce their tendency to lie but also strengthen the bond based on mutual respect and trust.

Tips for Parents:

• Create an atmosphere of trust: Instead of punishing your child for telling the truth, create a space where they feel safe to be honest.
• Set a good example: Children learn primarily through imitation, so strive to be a model of honesty in daily situations.
• Reinforce positive behavior: Reward your child for honesty and emphasize how important it is to be truthful.

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This advice is part of the #MAMYNATORADĘ social project, aimed at supporting parents in ensuring the proper development of their children. Free guides for parents are prepared by experienced pedagogues, child psychologists, and speech therapists with school and preschool experience. The weekly Reporterzy.info is the media patron of the project. https://operator.edu.pl/pl/poradnia

The project is run by the educational foundation Ogólnopolski Operator Oświaty. It is funded by voluntary donations and 1.5% PIT tax deductions KRS 00000 44866.

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The Ogólnopolski Operator Oświaty foundation has been conducting educational and social activities since 2001 and supports local governments in implementing educational tasks and projects. The foundation is a public benefit organization. It runs free, public preschools and schools across Poland, attended by over 9,000 children. The OOO foundation also implements nationwide educational, social, and developmental projects: #MAMYNATORADĘ. Guides for Parents • We Care for #EMOOOCJE. Psychological Support in Schools and Preschools • #LabOOOratorium. Create Innovations with Us.